One of my favorite lines in the movie Mission Impossible is when Ethan Hunt was given his next mission, and Ethan said it was going to be difficult, the mission commander said, "Mr. Hunt, this isn't mission difficult, it's mission impossible, difficult should be a walk in the park for you.I feel like being a good Father should be on Mission Impossible.
Think about retaining employment, matching the hours your peers work, making time to have a working relationship with your wife, competing with the TV and Sony Playstation for your children's time and admiration, being faithful to your wife when sex is so readily prevalent and advertised, and raising children in a society that is completely geared to guide them to destruction. Yes, I think it is that bad. Can't you just hear the theme music? Difficult, very, but this isn't Mission Difficult it is Mission Impossible and if Ethan Hunt can do it, so can we.
As a Father of two daughters, I believe that a large part of my mission is to get my daughters safely to their wedding day. At that point, some young man takes over meeting her every need, or at least he better, that is my plan, I doubt that it is his. Another thing that I believe is my daughter will eventually compare every boyfriend to me. My mission should I choose to accept it, is to make it as difficult for some little boy with turd for brains to get involved in her life. Difficult? No, make it impossible! Since she will be a tough to deal with, and a not listening teenager the only way to accomplish this is to set a subconscious high standard in her world now. How do you do this? Be the type of husband you want your daughter to marry. Is this going to be difficult? Very, but this isn't Mission Difficult, it's Mission Impossible and difficult is a walk in the park.
Between my neighbor and I we have four daughters and we have on occasion discussed that when it comes time for our daughters to date we would conveniently be together cleaning our guns, discussing our previous jail time, or being generally mean and intimidating. I remember one father telling me how me made his daughter's suitors leave $20 behind, it was returned when the young man returned the daughter home before curfew, if not, it cost him 20 bucks. I thought that was a creative idea but not sure I am comfortable with it.You might want to consider these rules for dating, see this link;
www.geocities.com/heartland/hills/3456/h_rulesdating.html
Or you could require an application to date your daughter, see this link;
www.wilk4.com/humor/humorp3.htm
Unfortunately I don't think that my wife will allow the rules or the application to be discussed with the potential boyfriend (aka Turd for Brains). I would guess my daughter won't like it either but she doesn't get an opinion on this matter. This leaves me with only on option left, to be on the date with them. Now get this, I am not as crazy as you all might think. I don't really mean physically be on the date, I mean subconsciously. What type of man do you want your daughter to marry? Answer that question and that is the type of husband you need to be, simple. If you want it ok in your daughter's mind for that potential boyfriend to be a drinker, this Bud's for you, a smoker, then by all means, be a Marlboro Man, a drug addict, then go ahead, blow the snow (I am not talking about your driveway). Those are mostly easy for the readers of this blog, but ask yourself these questions, do I want my daughter to be a maid? Then it is ok for you to not do house work, how about is it ok for your future son in law to yell at you daughter? If so, then you may yell at your wife. Is it going to be ok for your son in law to ignore your grandchildren? Congratulations, you don't need to engage in your children's life. I have a million of them, poor money manger, not physically fit, smoke; what you allow in yourself, your daughter will allow in her husband. Take this time to review how you treat your wife, if she were your daughter what would change? One thing for sure, you would. I know I have.
Because my plan to dive into my daughter's subconscious and set the high water mark for all these young men to meet is the only possible way to actually be on the date with her. Not only when she is a teenager but into her twenties, thirties or however long it may take. I may not even be alive, but I will be there watching his every move. The application and rules will be imprinted on my daughters mind and on her heart. And yes, there might be a time when she does date a turd for brains and it might take some time for her to flush him down, but eventually, she will know, not all turds rise to the top.
Good day Mr Hunt. Your mission, whether you accept it or not, involves making any potential suitor of your daughter's hand meet a very high standard of respect and love. You may select any two team members, but it is essential that the third member of your team be your wife. She is a civilian, and a highly capable professional Mother. You have eighteen years to accomplish this mission. As always, should any member of your team be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions. This message will self destruct in five seconds.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Somebody's Watching Me
First let me say this about "Another Brick in the Wall", your wife is not secretly talking to me, I am not reading your mail, and I do not live in your attic. Of all the posts that I have done this one rates second behind "You Can't Handle the Truth" for comments, emails, and phone calls. If you feel like Brick was for you, it was, it was for me too. We are all building walls, just make sure that you spend some time tearing it down as well.
Now on to our regularly scheduled posts, enjoy-
When I first heard GEICO's new advertising campaign the business man came out in me. I couldn't help but think what a waste of money the new campaign was. The Gecko had such momentum, nationally known, all over billboards, I would guess they had little Gecko stuffed animals, key chains, coffee mugs, et al. Now, they have to change thousands of billboards, trinkets, production for radio, TV, print, etc. Yet, when they came out with a stack of money with eyeballs on it, it seemed to work, much to my amazement. I guess I conceded my original incorrect perception when an employee of mine came to work singing "Somebody's Watching Me" and then said, "that's just the money you could be saving with GEICO". When I heard this, I figured the new ad campaign was going to stick.
However, when I see the commercial with the music from Rockwell, Somebody's Watching Me, I can't help but think about when my kids were younger. Just in case you don't remember when your kids were young, every time you were dropping a deuce at home with small children, it seems like the children seek you out like a smart bomb heading towards a terrorist's bedroom window, they seek you out with laser like accuracy from 150 miles away, like a moth to a flame. The funny thing to me is it always seemed like the kids sense of smell was totally shot, but I digress.
Often when I am calling my son for a chore or to discipline I wonder if his sense of hearing is totally shot. Sometimes I think he is completely deaf, because he definitely has a unique ability to ignore me, so on several occasions I decided to check his hearing by saying something like, "cake" or "cookie" just to make sure that his hearing is okay, it is. My son had multiple ear infections as a baby so my concern for his hearing is genuine. My daughter though has the same situation going on. I can instruct her to her face while she is looking at me in the eyes and then ask her to repeat what I just said 5 seconds earlier and she has no idea.
Bottom line, I am worried about my children not listening to me.
One thing that I really found disturbing is when my daughter started snapping at people. It wasn't all the time but if her Mother or I felt like we needed to remind her of something she already knew, she would give an aggressive look and snap, "I KNOW THAT". My wife and I were confused, why does she do this? Where did she learn this from? Of course in my world, my children learn all of their bad behaviors from other children at school, never from home. So my wife and I coached her (see Life Coach), "honey, when somebody reminds you of something you already know, you don't have to answer so aggressively, just simply say, thank you for reminding me". Well the proverbial chicken came home to roost the other day when my wife, in an attempt to help, decided to remind me to take something with me on a trip. The first thing in my head, you guessed it, "I KNOW THAT", to my credit, I stopped the words just as my teeth were parting. A light of wisdom shone down on my head like when Moses parted the Red Sea, imagine angels singing in the background, indeed it was a miracle. Finally, I opted to use wisdom and I responded with, "thank you for reminding me". I was pleased with myself for not putting another brick in the wall, but it also was then I realized that my daughter picked up her little snappy attitude from me and not the heathens at her school. All this time she was just emulating me. I finally realized that I needed to be less worried about my children's inability to listen to me and concern myself more with what they see in me.
Red Fox Followers, I assure you, somebody is watching you, and it's not the money you could be saving with GEICO.
Click on the post title above and enjoy a little tune.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Now on to our regularly scheduled posts, enjoy-
When I first heard GEICO's new advertising campaign the business man came out in me. I couldn't help but think what a waste of money the new campaign was. The Gecko had such momentum, nationally known, all over billboards, I would guess they had little Gecko stuffed animals, key chains, coffee mugs, et al. Now, they have to change thousands of billboards, trinkets, production for radio, TV, print, etc. Yet, when they came out with a stack of money with eyeballs on it, it seemed to work, much to my amazement. I guess I conceded my original incorrect perception when an employee of mine came to work singing "Somebody's Watching Me" and then said, "that's just the money you could be saving with GEICO". When I heard this, I figured the new ad campaign was going to stick.
However, when I see the commercial with the music from Rockwell, Somebody's Watching Me, I can't help but think about when my kids were younger. Just in case you don't remember when your kids were young, every time you were dropping a deuce at home with small children, it seems like the children seek you out like a smart bomb heading towards a terrorist's bedroom window, they seek you out with laser like accuracy from 150 miles away, like a moth to a flame. The funny thing to me is it always seemed like the kids sense of smell was totally shot, but I digress.
Often when I am calling my son for a chore or to discipline I wonder if his sense of hearing is totally shot. Sometimes I think he is completely deaf, because he definitely has a unique ability to ignore me, so on several occasions I decided to check his hearing by saying something like, "cake" or "cookie" just to make sure that his hearing is okay, it is. My son had multiple ear infections as a baby so my concern for his hearing is genuine. My daughter though has the same situation going on. I can instruct her to her face while she is looking at me in the eyes and then ask her to repeat what I just said 5 seconds earlier and she has no idea.
Bottom line, I am worried about my children not listening to me.
One thing that I really found disturbing is when my daughter started snapping at people. It wasn't all the time but if her Mother or I felt like we needed to remind her of something she already knew, she would give an aggressive look and snap, "I KNOW THAT". My wife and I were confused, why does she do this? Where did she learn this from? Of course in my world, my children learn all of their bad behaviors from other children at school, never from home. So my wife and I coached her (see Life Coach), "honey, when somebody reminds you of something you already know, you don't have to answer so aggressively, just simply say, thank you for reminding me". Well the proverbial chicken came home to roost the other day when my wife, in an attempt to help, decided to remind me to take something with me on a trip. The first thing in my head, you guessed it, "I KNOW THAT", to my credit, I stopped the words just as my teeth were parting. A light of wisdom shone down on my head like when Moses parted the Red Sea, imagine angels singing in the background, indeed it was a miracle. Finally, I opted to use wisdom and I responded with, "thank you for reminding me". I was pleased with myself for not putting another brick in the wall, but it also was then I realized that my daughter picked up her little snappy attitude from me and not the heathens at her school. All this time she was just emulating me. I finally realized that I needed to be less worried about my children's inability to listen to me and concern myself more with what they see in me.
Red Fox Followers, I assure you, somebody is watching you, and it's not the money you could be saving with GEICO.
Click on the post title above and enjoy a little tune.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
All in All It's Just Another Brick in the Wall
August 13, 1961 marked the beginning of the Berlin Wall. This wall was erected to separate the communist government of East German from the democracy that was being created by the West Germans. The Berlin Wall was 87 miles long and in 1962 the East Germans moved 110 yards East of the Wall and built a parallel fence establishing a "no man's land" in between the two. West Germans that worked in East Germany had to find new jobs in West Germany and families found themselves totally split and visitation in the 60's was not allowed. The Wall separated everything and diplomacy was futile.
Sometimes, in my weird mind I think of a husband and a wife as two neighboring countries, bear with me here. I often think that I am building a wall in between my wife and I. Every time I hurt her, fail her expectations, disappoint her, or generally piss her off, she places a brick in the wall with a reasonable amount of concrete to ensure it's security and tenure. Not only do I not object to the newly placed brick, I engage in a fair amount of my own masonry, brick by brick the Marital Wall slowly gets built, both sides contributing.
I think the process goes a little something like this. When a couple meet they find they have a lot in common, and they are living in Camelot; sharing, caring, and eventually, marrying. Then, because neither is perfect and the expectations are overrated, and not clearly stated; each time one hurts the other or something goes not according to the plan, a brick is laid along the border. The Wall begins. For each hurt or disappointment another brick goes on the Wall. A couple of years a couple more bricks and neither party in interested in knocking their brick down (see The Heart of the Matter). The bottom bricks have now set in, concrete dry and the two parties that started our loving each other don't even notice the waist high wall that they are creating. A couple more years go by of not living an intentional marriage and the once euphoric couple are now having to raise their chins just to see each other over The Wall. Soon they are yelling across the wall on even the most tiny of things, and before you know it we have established a "no man's land", a communication barrier exists, neither party willing to make concessions or remove their brick, diplomacy is futile. The caring and sharing, gone, it is too difficult, too many bricks. Some couples are lucky enough to find a third country to assist in the diplomatic process, some turn to all out war and call up an army of lawyers to demonstrate shock and awe to the neighboring country, and the smart bombs are launched. The children leave the house and the marriage is over.
Does anybody else find it funny how we can treat a stranger with more kindness than our spouse? Not funny at all, but consider, no bricks, no walls...yet. The biggest problem is when something relatively tiny happens involving your neighboring country and all you see is the other bricks (past hurts and disappointments) and now you are angry, bitter even. It wasn't the little thing at all, it was the little thing compounded by having to communicate it over the Marital Wall. After children enter the picture the bricks get bigger because the decisions become more important, now instead of where are we going to eat we have to decide how are we going to discipline and raise our children. Money matters and in laws are also large bricks, the Wall construction gains momentum.
Before you go trying to knock down the existing bricks, just stop bricklaying. Lay off the workers, you know who/what they are. Don't feel like you have to make a huge announcement at a press conference either, just simply stop laying bricks. If you make an announcement you have just set yet another expectation in the other countries eyes that you will surely not be able to meet, just stop laying bricks, quietly. What is so important that you have to lay a brick anyway? Make some concessions, if the West Germans want you to lower the toilet seat, stop fighting, lower the toilet seat, it is one less brick in the wall. The wall takes a lot longer to build if only one country is contributing the bricks and since you can't control the other sides brick production the best thing is not respond to their bricks with bricks of your own, be bigger than the problem. Some of the best advice that I think that I have ever given was at my brother's wedding and I was the best man. I don't recall everything that I said, I am sure it was wonderful, however, I do remember saying something like "the key to a good marriage is not just knowing all the right things to say, but, more importantly, knowing when to say nothing at all". No comment, no brick, save it for more important negotiations. Also don't feel like you need to comment on every stupid thing your spouse does, chances are they already know that it was stupid and the chances are even higher you do your share of stupid things too. If you do find yourself with a chin high brick wall try treating your neighboring country a little more like a stranger for a while until the brick factory slows down a bit, we are generally nice to strangers, it might even loosen the mortar a bit.
Brick busting is very difficult but remember the Berlin Wall was knocked down in November of 1989, almost 30 years later. It wasn't east to get there and it didn't happen overnight. Don't try to knock down the entire wall with a dozen roses or a couple nights in Vegas, that stuff only works on TV, give it some time. To begin the process try apologizing. Although she laid some of the bricks you have the responsibility for creating them, heck you might have even mixed the mortar. Come on, be honest, you know what you have done and although the generic, "I am a man and I am sorry" seems to bust a couple of bricks try pointing at some specific bricks and knocking them out. Even if you are right at times it is just the way to tried to convey your point that made a brick. You know what you have done, and yes, you are guilty too, and you know when you were guilty, I know this because women have a unique ability of telling us when we screw up. Again, be bigger than the problem, you are the man.
I also think that it is important to not feel like I need to convince my spouse that my points or argument is right or what I am saying accurate all the time. I need to allow her to be able to disagree, eventually the truth or correct direction reveals itself with enough time.
Just consider that God did not put your wife in your life so you can fix her, HE put her in your life so HE can fix you.
Remember, don't sweat the small stuff because all in all, it's just another brick in the wall.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Husband.
Sometimes, in my weird mind I think of a husband and a wife as two neighboring countries, bear with me here. I often think that I am building a wall in between my wife and I. Every time I hurt her, fail her expectations, disappoint her, or generally piss her off, she places a brick in the wall with a reasonable amount of concrete to ensure it's security and tenure. Not only do I not object to the newly placed brick, I engage in a fair amount of my own masonry, brick by brick the Marital Wall slowly gets built, both sides contributing.
I think the process goes a little something like this. When a couple meet they find they have a lot in common, and they are living in Camelot; sharing, caring, and eventually, marrying. Then, because neither is perfect and the expectations are overrated, and not clearly stated; each time one hurts the other or something goes not according to the plan, a brick is laid along the border. The Wall begins. For each hurt or disappointment another brick goes on the Wall. A couple of years a couple more bricks and neither party in interested in knocking their brick down (see The Heart of the Matter). The bottom bricks have now set in, concrete dry and the two parties that started our loving each other don't even notice the waist high wall that they are creating. A couple more years go by of not living an intentional marriage and the once euphoric couple are now having to raise their chins just to see each other over The Wall. Soon they are yelling across the wall on even the most tiny of things, and before you know it we have established a "no man's land", a communication barrier exists, neither party willing to make concessions or remove their brick, diplomacy is futile. The caring and sharing, gone, it is too difficult, too many bricks. Some couples are lucky enough to find a third country to assist in the diplomatic process, some turn to all out war and call up an army of lawyers to demonstrate shock and awe to the neighboring country, and the smart bombs are launched. The children leave the house and the marriage is over.
Does anybody else find it funny how we can treat a stranger with more kindness than our spouse? Not funny at all, but consider, no bricks, no walls...yet. The biggest problem is when something relatively tiny happens involving your neighboring country and all you see is the other bricks (past hurts and disappointments) and now you are angry, bitter even. It wasn't the little thing at all, it was the little thing compounded by having to communicate it over the Marital Wall. After children enter the picture the bricks get bigger because the decisions become more important, now instead of where are we going to eat we have to decide how are we going to discipline and raise our children. Money matters and in laws are also large bricks, the Wall construction gains momentum.
Before you go trying to knock down the existing bricks, just stop bricklaying. Lay off the workers, you know who/what they are. Don't feel like you have to make a huge announcement at a press conference either, just simply stop laying bricks. If you make an announcement you have just set yet another expectation in the other countries eyes that you will surely not be able to meet, just stop laying bricks, quietly. What is so important that you have to lay a brick anyway? Make some concessions, if the West Germans want you to lower the toilet seat, stop fighting, lower the toilet seat, it is one less brick in the wall. The wall takes a lot longer to build if only one country is contributing the bricks and since you can't control the other sides brick production the best thing is not respond to their bricks with bricks of your own, be bigger than the problem. Some of the best advice that I think that I have ever given was at my brother's wedding and I was the best man. I don't recall everything that I said, I am sure it was wonderful, however, I do remember saying something like "the key to a good marriage is not just knowing all the right things to say, but, more importantly, knowing when to say nothing at all". No comment, no brick, save it for more important negotiations. Also don't feel like you need to comment on every stupid thing your spouse does, chances are they already know that it was stupid and the chances are even higher you do your share of stupid things too. If you do find yourself with a chin high brick wall try treating your neighboring country a little more like a stranger for a while until the brick factory slows down a bit, we are generally nice to strangers, it might even loosen the mortar a bit.
Brick busting is very difficult but remember the Berlin Wall was knocked down in November of 1989, almost 30 years later. It wasn't east to get there and it didn't happen overnight. Don't try to knock down the entire wall with a dozen roses or a couple nights in Vegas, that stuff only works on TV, give it some time. To begin the process try apologizing. Although she laid some of the bricks you have the responsibility for creating them, heck you might have even mixed the mortar. Come on, be honest, you know what you have done and although the generic, "I am a man and I am sorry" seems to bust a couple of bricks try pointing at some specific bricks and knocking them out. Even if you are right at times it is just the way to tried to convey your point that made a brick. You know what you have done, and yes, you are guilty too, and you know when you were guilty, I know this because women have a unique ability of telling us when we screw up. Again, be bigger than the problem, you are the man.
I also think that it is important to not feel like I need to convince my spouse that my points or argument is right or what I am saying accurate all the time. I need to allow her to be able to disagree, eventually the truth or correct direction reveals itself with enough time.
Just consider that God did not put your wife in your life so you can fix her, HE put her in your life so HE can fix you.
Remember, don't sweat the small stuff because all in all, it's just another brick in the wall.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Husband.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Billy Rae Cyrus from Achey Braky Heart comes to mind, John Marr Karr, confessed to killing JonBenet Ramsey, that was his 15 minutes, James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces, had his; Oprah not amused. My personal list goes on, remember Steve Bartman, the Cubs fan that interfered with a foul ball in the World Series dashing the Cubs hopes, Monica Lewinsky, ugh, to reach back even further, Joey Buttafuoco, and John Bobbit.
You might have been lucky enough to not have had your 15 minutes yet, but for me I remember what I call my fifteen minutes of fame. I think that I blew it, completely wasted. I was about 12 years old and my church group drove up from Tallahassee, Florida to Atlanta to watch a Braves game in Fulton County Stadium. It was a beautiful summer day and the Braves were getting killed. I remember the stadium was packed that day and I was bored so I single handily started the wave. It went around 8 times, the Braves rallied and ended up winning the game. Ok, the last part, pure embellishment but it really jazzes the story up a bit. Nonetheless, that day I led 50,000 people to happiness, all eyes were on me, it was my 15 minutes of fame. Unfortunately, I later realized that I wasted my 15 minutes on a baseball game starting the wave. Had I known that I only had 15 minutes, I assure you that day, I would have opted for higher quality 15 minutes.
I once worked with a man that sat the bench for 5 NBA basketball games, remembered it like it was yesterday. He recanted how he was called up, warmed up with the “pros” (he was one at that point), and then watched 5 games from the bench, but never played…15 minutes. I also worked with a man that was drafted by the New England Patriots in 1984. He caught 11 passes in the NFL and spent a year or two injured, never returned. He knew each catch in detail. You should have seen his face when I asked him about it…15 minutes.
Not long ago my kids were at the end of my last nerve and tickling it feverishly. It wasn’t anything big that they were doing, it was more like a mosquito constantly buzzing around me. Not bad until you consider that mosquitoes are annoying little beasts, many of them bloodsuckers, also carry diseases like malaria, Lyme disease, hepatitis and all sorts of other problems, it was kind of like that, little mosquitoes. I know what you are thinking, “not from the Red Fox Father”, I hear ya, the whole be intentional, engaged, and interactive thing but hey, we are all human and I didn’t want to be engaged at this point, I needed some time.
Anyway, the kids were bothering me and I needed a break so I took a time out and totally rationalized it by comparing my dad techniques to all the people that I know that work too much and don’t spend quality time with their kids, it didn’t work. You see I have a little problem, I created this blog that makes me always attempt to think of things in a different way. So I did. I figure that my kids will live with me for 22 years (maybe) and I will live to be 85 years old (maybe) this is 25% of my life…about 15 minutes out of an hour. This is all you get, 2 innings of a baseball game, 6 outs. Heck, you are not even sure that you will get up to bat in 2 innings and if you are batting a respectable 300, chances are if you do get an at bat, you won’t get on base. Fifteen minutes that is all we have to build confidence, give life instruction, demonstrate wisdom, don‘t blow it starting the wave at a baseball game, don't waste it, 15 minutes, opt for a high quality 15 minutes.
Anybody can be great for 15 minutes, just ask Billy Rae, go be a great Dad, it only takes 15 minutes.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
You might have been lucky enough to not have had your 15 minutes yet, but for me I remember what I call my fifteen minutes of fame. I think that I blew it, completely wasted. I was about 12 years old and my church group drove up from Tallahassee, Florida to Atlanta to watch a Braves game in Fulton County Stadium. It was a beautiful summer day and the Braves were getting killed. I remember the stadium was packed that day and I was bored so I single handily started the wave. It went around 8 times, the Braves rallied and ended up winning the game. Ok, the last part, pure embellishment but it really jazzes the story up a bit. Nonetheless, that day I led 50,000 people to happiness, all eyes were on me, it was my 15 minutes of fame. Unfortunately, I later realized that I wasted my 15 minutes on a baseball game starting the wave. Had I known that I only had 15 minutes, I assure you that day, I would have opted for higher quality 15 minutes.
I once worked with a man that sat the bench for 5 NBA basketball games, remembered it like it was yesterday. He recanted how he was called up, warmed up with the “pros” (he was one at that point), and then watched 5 games from the bench, but never played…15 minutes. I also worked with a man that was drafted by the New England Patriots in 1984. He caught 11 passes in the NFL and spent a year or two injured, never returned. He knew each catch in detail. You should have seen his face when I asked him about it…15 minutes.
Not long ago my kids were at the end of my last nerve and tickling it feverishly. It wasn’t anything big that they were doing, it was more like a mosquito constantly buzzing around me. Not bad until you consider that mosquitoes are annoying little beasts, many of them bloodsuckers, also carry diseases like malaria, Lyme disease, hepatitis and all sorts of other problems, it was kind of like that, little mosquitoes. I know what you are thinking, “not from the Red Fox Father”, I hear ya, the whole be intentional, engaged, and interactive thing but hey, we are all human and I didn’t want to be engaged at this point, I needed some time.
Anyway, the kids were bothering me and I needed a break so I took a time out and totally rationalized it by comparing my dad techniques to all the people that I know that work too much and don’t spend quality time with their kids, it didn’t work. You see I have a little problem, I created this blog that makes me always attempt to think of things in a different way. So I did. I figure that my kids will live with me for 22 years (maybe) and I will live to be 85 years old (maybe) this is 25% of my life…about 15 minutes out of an hour. This is all you get, 2 innings of a baseball game, 6 outs. Heck, you are not even sure that you will get up to bat in 2 innings and if you are batting a respectable 300, chances are if you do get an at bat, you won’t get on base. Fifteen minutes that is all we have to build confidence, give life instruction, demonstrate wisdom, don‘t blow it starting the wave at a baseball game, don't waste it, 15 minutes, opt for a high quality 15 minutes.
Anybody can be great for 15 minutes, just ask Billy Rae, go be a great Dad, it only takes 15 minutes.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Monday, March 9, 2009
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH
Prior to reading please watch this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hGvQtumNAY
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he was telling me how God is to blame for a bad thing that happened in his life. I tried to relay that sometimes things just happen, people make bad decisions, and that life is tough, God is not always to blame. I got nowhere so I decided to concede that God is truly to blame, if he would concede that God is all powerful and all knowing.
With his permission I would like to tell you his story. My friends name is Alan. Alan is about my age, early forties, late thirties, he is married with two children, a daughter 6, and a son who is 4. His beautiful wife was pregnant with their third child when this story takes place. By all measures you would consider Alan successful. He has a good career whereby not only does he make a good living, he also has been promoted to place of prominence, he has over 600 employees in his employ.
Early on a cool November morning Alan was having to face a decision. His wife was struggling with the pregnancy and had to be hospitalized. The Doctor had said that when Alan's wife was going to be released, she would be bedridden for at least 6 months. Alan had a decision, quit his career and stay home to take care of his wife and kids or hire a nanny. Well surely all of us would agree, the best course of action would be to simply hire a nanny and not quit what it took Alan 15 years to create, a great career. So Alan went about his due diligence, interviews, references, background checks, drug tests, you know the usual when hiring for such an important role as nanny. Alan found the perfect fit, responsible, mature, and experienced nanny, and back to work Alan went knowing everything at home was taken care of.
Then it happened; the worse. The nanny was driving the kids to school one day when a truck t-boned the mini van. The van flipped numerous times and settled in the median, bent metal, broken glass, bodies strewn. Alan's life flipped over too. The daughter didn't survive the accident, dead at the age of 6, the 4 year old son, he wouldn’t being playing baseball that night, or ever again, paralyzed from the neck down. A couple months later the third baby was born but it wasn't the same. Alan harbored bitterness to the baby because he felt as if his wife hadn't been sick because of the pregnancy none of this would have happened. Oh yeah, Alan's wife, she just couldn't handle it, through it all she had to be committed to protect herself, from herself. This is when I get a call from Alan, "why God, why", he says, "Why didn't God intervene, where was he?"
Where was He indeed?
Consider this alternate story if you will.
With his permission I would like to tell you the story of a friend of mine named Alan. Alan is about my age, early forties, late thirties, he is married with two children, a daughter 6, and a son who is 4. His beautiful wife was pregnant with their third child when this story takes place. By all measures you would consider Alan successful. He has a good career whereby not only does he make a good living, he also has been promoted to place of prominence whereby he has over 600 employees in his employ.
Early on a cool November morning Alan was having to face a decision. His wife was struggling with the pregnancy and had to be hospitalized. The Doctor had said that when Alan's wife was going to be released, she would be bedridden for at least 6 months. Alan had a decision, quit his career and stay home to take care of his wife and kids or hire a nanny. Well surely all of us would agree, the best course of action would be to simply hire a nanny, or would it?
But then it happened, the worse, Alan was laid off from his career, devastating. The economy was the worse Alan had ever seen it in his lifetime and his particular industry was going belly up. This is when I get a call from Alan, "why God, why", he says, "Why didn't God intervene, where was he?"
Where was He indeed?
Alan never hired the nanny, the car accident never happened, the daughter did not die, the boy, still playing baseball, and his wife is fine, but Alan didn’t know what didn’t happen, he never knew what “would be”, he only knows what he thinks “should be“.
Alan, like us, was apparently too focused on what “should be” and all powerful, all knowing God knows what “would be”. Alan should have been able to keep his career, but God knew there was more at stake. I would presume that what “would be” is not ever dependent on what we think “should be“, and since God is all powerful, all knowing maybe, just maybe God did intervene when Alan got laid off, because the “would be” was far more worse than what is.
With apologies to A Few Good Men and God, imagine God, played by Jack Nicholson, Alan, the attorney play by Tom Cruise.
Alan : Did you order the lay off?
God: I did what I had to do
Alan: Did you order the lay off?
God: Alan, you want answers.
Alan: I think I am entitled.
God: You want answers!
Alan: I want the truth!
God: You can’t handle the truth! Son we live in a world where we have walls and those walls have to be guarded, I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom, you weep for your job loss and you direct anger and blame at me, you have that luxury, you have the luxury of not knowing what I know, that your job loss while tragic, saved you a much greater loss. My action while incomprehensible to you saves you a great pain. You don’t want the truth because if I revealed how close you were to greater loss, you would live your life, paralyzed by fear forever. Son, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall and I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to a man that rises and sleeps under the very blanket of free will and salvation that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it, I would rather you just say thank you and went on your way.
Alan: Did you order the lay off?
God : Your absolutely right I did.
Come on, be honest, a lot of us blame God for something, we all do, after all, he is all knowing all powerful. But maybe, just maybe, the bad thing that you blame God for, is the very thing He did or allowed to happen to you to save you from what He knows “would be”. Just because we think something should be doesn’t mean it would be and should we possibly change the blame we have for God and simply say “thank-you” and go on about our way?
Could it be that when things seem to be farthest from what we believe should be, is when God is most involved preventing the devastation that would be?
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hGvQtumNAY
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and he was telling me how God is to blame for a bad thing that happened in his life. I tried to relay that sometimes things just happen, people make bad decisions, and that life is tough, God is not always to blame. I got nowhere so I decided to concede that God is truly to blame, if he would concede that God is all powerful and all knowing.
With his permission I would like to tell you his story. My friends name is Alan. Alan is about my age, early forties, late thirties, he is married with two children, a daughter 6, and a son who is 4. His beautiful wife was pregnant with their third child when this story takes place. By all measures you would consider Alan successful. He has a good career whereby not only does he make a good living, he also has been promoted to place of prominence, he has over 600 employees in his employ.
Early on a cool November morning Alan was having to face a decision. His wife was struggling with the pregnancy and had to be hospitalized. The Doctor had said that when Alan's wife was going to be released, she would be bedridden for at least 6 months. Alan had a decision, quit his career and stay home to take care of his wife and kids or hire a nanny. Well surely all of us would agree, the best course of action would be to simply hire a nanny and not quit what it took Alan 15 years to create, a great career. So Alan went about his due diligence, interviews, references, background checks, drug tests, you know the usual when hiring for such an important role as nanny. Alan found the perfect fit, responsible, mature, and experienced nanny, and back to work Alan went knowing everything at home was taken care of.
Then it happened; the worse. The nanny was driving the kids to school one day when a truck t-boned the mini van. The van flipped numerous times and settled in the median, bent metal, broken glass, bodies strewn. Alan's life flipped over too. The daughter didn't survive the accident, dead at the age of 6, the 4 year old son, he wouldn’t being playing baseball that night, or ever again, paralyzed from the neck down. A couple months later the third baby was born but it wasn't the same. Alan harbored bitterness to the baby because he felt as if his wife hadn't been sick because of the pregnancy none of this would have happened. Oh yeah, Alan's wife, she just couldn't handle it, through it all she had to be committed to protect herself, from herself. This is when I get a call from Alan, "why God, why", he says, "Why didn't God intervene, where was he?"
Where was He indeed?
Consider this alternate story if you will.
With his permission I would like to tell you the story of a friend of mine named Alan. Alan is about my age, early forties, late thirties, he is married with two children, a daughter 6, and a son who is 4. His beautiful wife was pregnant with their third child when this story takes place. By all measures you would consider Alan successful. He has a good career whereby not only does he make a good living, he also has been promoted to place of prominence whereby he has over 600 employees in his employ.
Early on a cool November morning Alan was having to face a decision. His wife was struggling with the pregnancy and had to be hospitalized. The Doctor had said that when Alan's wife was going to be released, she would be bedridden for at least 6 months. Alan had a decision, quit his career and stay home to take care of his wife and kids or hire a nanny. Well surely all of us would agree, the best course of action would be to simply hire a nanny, or would it?
But then it happened, the worse, Alan was laid off from his career, devastating. The economy was the worse Alan had ever seen it in his lifetime and his particular industry was going belly up. This is when I get a call from Alan, "why God, why", he says, "Why didn't God intervene, where was he?"
Where was He indeed?
Alan never hired the nanny, the car accident never happened, the daughter did not die, the boy, still playing baseball, and his wife is fine, but Alan didn’t know what didn’t happen, he never knew what “would be”, he only knows what he thinks “should be“.
Alan, like us, was apparently too focused on what “should be” and all powerful, all knowing God knows what “would be”. Alan should have been able to keep his career, but God knew there was more at stake. I would presume that what “would be” is not ever dependent on what we think “should be“, and since God is all powerful, all knowing maybe, just maybe God did intervene when Alan got laid off, because the “would be” was far more worse than what is.
With apologies to A Few Good Men and God, imagine God, played by Jack Nicholson, Alan, the attorney play by Tom Cruise.
Alan : Did you order the lay off?
God: I did what I had to do
Alan: Did you order the lay off?
God: Alan, you want answers.
Alan: I think I am entitled.
God: You want answers!
Alan: I want the truth!
God: You can’t handle the truth! Son we live in a world where we have walls and those walls have to be guarded, I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom, you weep for your job loss and you direct anger and blame at me, you have that luxury, you have the luxury of not knowing what I know, that your job loss while tragic, saved you a much greater loss. My action while incomprehensible to you saves you a great pain. You don’t want the truth because if I revealed how close you were to greater loss, you would live your life, paralyzed by fear forever. Son, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall and I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to a man that rises and sleeps under the very blanket of free will and salvation that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it, I would rather you just say thank you and went on your way.
Alan: Did you order the lay off?
God : Your absolutely right I did.
Come on, be honest, a lot of us blame God for something, we all do, after all, he is all knowing all powerful. But maybe, just maybe, the bad thing that you blame God for, is the very thing He did or allowed to happen to you to save you from what He knows “would be”. Just because we think something should be doesn’t mean it would be and should we possibly change the blame we have for God and simply say “thank-you” and go on about our way?
Could it be that when things seem to be farthest from what we believe should be, is when God is most involved preventing the devastation that would be?
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
TICKETMASTER
I remember a job whereby we got free tickets to just about every event brought to the Atlanta area. This was the year I attended numerous plays including Phantom, Rent (no good), Stomp, and Tap Dogs. We also got to go to the MLB All-star Game, the Home Run Derby, and yes the Superbowl and World Series. Among these things, I also got to go to countless MLB baseball games, NFL games, monster truck shows, the circus, and other events. There was nothing quite as nice as the owner of the business giving me a stack of tickets and allowing me to distribute them as I saw fit. Even though I signed every paycheck at that particular business, when I got those tickets I was more important. I was in fact the Ticketmaster, because there is nothing quite as nice as a free ticket. Heck, the President of the United States didn’t hold as much power as I had back then. Like most good things, they come to an end…until I had children.
I had a friend ask me the other day how I was teaching my 6 year old daughter about money. My answer, I wasn’t. Not only was I not, I had not even considered it. She would beg for stuff in a store and I would say “yea” or “nay”. I never thought to use her greed to actually teach her something, the whole concept fascinates me. Over the next couple of days, I noticed when my daughter asked for toys, dining out, entertainment, etc, I decided my friend was right, it was time to teach her about money. It was then I realized that my wife could use the same education, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Of course the allowance was the first discussion that we embarked on, not for the wife, for the children, and I have to tell you, I am not real excited about giving money away for just living. This reminds me too much of welfare and my hope is my children one day understand that people will “reap what they sow”. Now I know, that doesn’t really apply anymore in today’s society, but at least I can make it apply in my home. Nonetheless, since the whole welfare for children thing doesn’t excite me, my wife came up with the following solution.
The Ticketmaster. She created a system whereby the children can earn tickets (pictured on the right), the power just makes me shiver all over again. Each Sunday each child gets 10 tickets for the week. Behavior above the call of duty can earn tickets and poor behavior requires a ticket to be paid back. Then on the next Sunday we cash out each ticket for 25 cents and issue another 10 tickets. A couple of rules exist; the children are not allowed to ask for a ticket, this can actually cost them a ticket, and at the end of each week a portion of their earnings must be saved and a portion given away. This is our own personal beliefs, feel free to modify as to suit you. At the end of each week the children can do whatever they want with the leftover money. The good part about this is my wife and I don’t feel guilty at this point about the junk they buy. On a side note, the first week my daughter gave me her money back as she knows I am currently unemployed, I think it is working.
The whole goal for Ticketmaster is to teach our children that doing good is standard, being great earns, and acting poorly costs. I will tell you when things are getting out of hand, I just mention revoking a ticket and a warm blanket of calm obedience ensues. I have also noticed that when a child goes over the top with considerate good behavior the ticket is a powerful tool. Instant reward, instant punishment, I really think that whoever invented the spanking needs to take a look at this, apparently greed is substantially more powerful than pain, knowing myself, I should have known this already. A word of caution, it took my children a good week and a half before they completely understood the concept and I think the rewards of money management have not yet been attained but I can see the wheels spinning. I saw my daughter stand in Target and actually begin to look at the prices and the cost versus benefit concept, I wish the wife would do this. It is fun when a 6 year old has to weigh a Hannah Montana toy versus Polly Pockets, oh the quandary. Bottom line, I can highly recommend Ticketmaster to teach children how the world used to work, when a hard days work was the criteria for earning. Also, an excellent tool to begin understanding saving, giving, and spending wisely. Who knows, maybe I will start charging a ticket handling fee! Anyway I genuinely feel like I am making progress with the children on the whole money earning/management concept…now the wife.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
PS if anybody has an idea to teach children how the real world works, you know, being at the right place at the right time or knowing the right people; let me know.
I had a friend ask me the other day how I was teaching my 6 year old daughter about money. My answer, I wasn’t. Not only was I not, I had not even considered it. She would beg for stuff in a store and I would say “yea” or “nay”. I never thought to use her greed to actually teach her something, the whole concept fascinates me. Over the next couple of days, I noticed when my daughter asked for toys, dining out, entertainment, etc, I decided my friend was right, it was time to teach her about money. It was then I realized that my wife could use the same education, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Of course the allowance was the first discussion that we embarked on, not for the wife, for the children, and I have to tell you, I am not real excited about giving money away for just living. This reminds me too much of welfare and my hope is my children one day understand that people will “reap what they sow”. Now I know, that doesn’t really apply anymore in today’s society, but at least I can make it apply in my home. Nonetheless, since the whole welfare for children thing doesn’t excite me, my wife came up with the following solution.
The Ticketmaster. She created a system whereby the children can earn tickets (pictured on the right), the power just makes me shiver all over again. Each Sunday each child gets 10 tickets for the week. Behavior above the call of duty can earn tickets and poor behavior requires a ticket to be paid back. Then on the next Sunday we cash out each ticket for 25 cents and issue another 10 tickets. A couple of rules exist; the children are not allowed to ask for a ticket, this can actually cost them a ticket, and at the end of each week a portion of their earnings must be saved and a portion given away. This is our own personal beliefs, feel free to modify as to suit you. At the end of each week the children can do whatever they want with the leftover money. The good part about this is my wife and I don’t feel guilty at this point about the junk they buy. On a side note, the first week my daughter gave me her money back as she knows I am currently unemployed, I think it is working.
The whole goal for Ticketmaster is to teach our children that doing good is standard, being great earns, and acting poorly costs. I will tell you when things are getting out of hand, I just mention revoking a ticket and a warm blanket of calm obedience ensues. I have also noticed that when a child goes over the top with considerate good behavior the ticket is a powerful tool. Instant reward, instant punishment, I really think that whoever invented the spanking needs to take a look at this, apparently greed is substantially more powerful than pain, knowing myself, I should have known this already. A word of caution, it took my children a good week and a half before they completely understood the concept and I think the rewards of money management have not yet been attained but I can see the wheels spinning. I saw my daughter stand in Target and actually begin to look at the prices and the cost versus benefit concept, I wish the wife would do this. It is fun when a 6 year old has to weigh a Hannah Montana toy versus Polly Pockets, oh the quandary. Bottom line, I can highly recommend Ticketmaster to teach children how the world used to work, when a hard days work was the criteria for earning. Also, an excellent tool to begin understanding saving, giving, and spending wisely. Who knows, maybe I will start charging a ticket handling fee! Anyway I genuinely feel like I am making progress with the children on the whole money earning/management concept…now the wife.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
PS if anybody has an idea to teach children how the real world works, you know, being at the right place at the right time or knowing the right people; let me know.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
LIFE COACH
As many of you know, I am currently "in between jobs", that is a nice way of putting it, unemployed is more descriptive. I tried on "retired" for a while but when I used that term people just thought that I was super successful and I didn't want to lead people horribly astray. Whatever you call it, I spend a great deal of time at home and it doesn't pay very well.So, that being said, I have taken up a new career and I am extremely excited about it, I am a Life Coach.
I currently have two clients and I have a third very interested, I believe in June they will sign on. In order to prepare for my new career I have done extensive amount of research on Life Coaching and I have to tell you the payoff is going to be substantial. Although I think the best part is my clients are great people and are equally excited about the opportunity. Both of them are fairly successful at their stage of life and my goal is to merely supplement their current success. All three of them are very good at what they do, but still have untapped potential.For those of you that don't know, Life Coaching is the process of teaching people a certain set of skills or direct them in obtaining certain goals. I think my personal goal for my clients follows the US Marine motto; I want my clients to "Be All You Can Be". I honestly believe that helping my clients obtain their full potential will be the most rewarding part of the entire job, although I am looking forward to that, my intention is to also bask in the process of getting there. This is a trip whereby getting there is going to be as good as the arrival.The funny thing about my "new" venture is that it is not really been that new. I have been Life Coaching for about 6 years, I was just too busy to realize it. I was too busy providing for my family, but what the heck was I providing? Sure I was providing food, shelter, and massive amounts of toys, but I think that I was not providing the necessities; principles, responsibility, and a massive amounts of wisdom.
Although I should keep my clients identity confidential by now you most likely know who they are, my soon to be 6 year old daughter, my 4 year old son, and the baby that is being born in June, I am a Life Coach, I bet you are too. What services are you providing your clients? Just food, shelter, and a massive amount of toys or do you get down to the necessities? I think that my job description as Father I allowed to be defined by modern society, to provide stuff, so I am redefining my job description, Life Coach.
Your job doesn't end at 5 PM, it begins; and the payoff is going to be substantial.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
I currently have two clients and I have a third very interested, I believe in June they will sign on. In order to prepare for my new career I have done extensive amount of research on Life Coaching and I have to tell you the payoff is going to be substantial. Although I think the best part is my clients are great people and are equally excited about the opportunity. Both of them are fairly successful at their stage of life and my goal is to merely supplement their current success. All three of them are very good at what they do, but still have untapped potential.For those of you that don't know, Life Coaching is the process of teaching people a certain set of skills or direct them in obtaining certain goals. I think my personal goal for my clients follows the US Marine motto; I want my clients to "Be All You Can Be". I honestly believe that helping my clients obtain their full potential will be the most rewarding part of the entire job, although I am looking forward to that, my intention is to also bask in the process of getting there. This is a trip whereby getting there is going to be as good as the arrival.The funny thing about my "new" venture is that it is not really been that new. I have been Life Coaching for about 6 years, I was just too busy to realize it. I was too busy providing for my family, but what the heck was I providing? Sure I was providing food, shelter, and massive amounts of toys, but I think that I was not providing the necessities; principles, responsibility, and a massive amounts of wisdom.
Although I should keep my clients identity confidential by now you most likely know who they are, my soon to be 6 year old daughter, my 4 year old son, and the baby that is being born in June, I am a Life Coach, I bet you are too. What services are you providing your clients? Just food, shelter, and a massive amount of toys or do you get down to the necessities? I think that my job description as Father I allowed to be defined by modern society, to provide stuff, so I am redefining my job description, Life Coach.
Your job doesn't end at 5 PM, it begins; and the payoff is going to be substantial.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
THE HEART OF THE MATTER
I have heard many a man say, “the kids are great, the marriage, not so much”, “don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, I just wish I never got married”, or the kicker “when the youngest is 18, I am getting a divorce“. These are all sad statements because when you consider that you will only have the kids in the house for roughly 18 years, and your intention when you got married was, “til death do us part”, it seems that the shorter, less important of the two relationships are the ones that are working significantly better. Take this in consideration, I am 40, if I live to be as old as my Grandfather I have 45 more years to live. My daughter is 6, most likely she is out of the house in 12 years. Bottom line 45 more years with the wife, 12 more years with the daughter, yet I am more proactive in the relationship with the daughter. So I have to ask, why the difference? Why are the kids great and not the marriage?
Consider this scenario for example. Last night I was failing in an attempt to give my son a bath. Imagine a movie scene where a guy is climbing a mountainside and hanging only by his hands, the camera then shows a close up of his hands, slowly getting weaker, gravity taking it’s toll, grip slipping away, that was me last night; I was losing it. Thankfully my wife intercepted the pass and excused me from the activity so I could get a chance to regain my strength, I was in ‘time out’, shortly after that I found myself in regret for losing my temper at my son. I then had the need to make things right. Was I right? Yes, he needed to obey, listen, wash up, and get out of the tub, but nonetheless, I was the one feeling regret for my behavior.
Now today I got into an argument with my wife. The topic doesn’t really matter, pick one, sex, money, disciplining the kids, toilet seat up, toilet paper on wrong, didn’t use a coaster, wore my shoes in the house, sex/money again. I am sure one of these struck a nerve with you. Yet even though there might be a very small possibility that I was on the wrong side of the argument I don’t even feel the slightest inclination of guilt for my behavior, nor did anybody intercept the pass, odd isn’t it.
Plain and simple, when it comes to the kids you (I) exercise great amounts of patience and forgiveness, with the wife, not so much. Additionally, when the kids irritate you it is expected, they are kids, they don’t really know any better, but when it is your spouse they are supposed to meet every expectation, every need, and read your mind, they should know better, they are adults. Your expectations are rated differently, not just higher but different. Sure you should have higher standards for an adult but when they are not met be cautions of your reaction, intercept your own pass before you say something stupid, put yourself in time out.
If all of us were completely honest with each other we would all admit that there have been times with our children that we wish that we did not have kids but you will very rarely hear a Father say, “the marriage is awesome, I just wish we didn’t have kids”. Now I consider myself to be a decent dad, and I will admit that I have had to ask myself at times, “why did I have kids”. The single exception is this feeling doesn’t stick, forgiveness is the Teflon of relationships. Now I know what you are thinking, “that’s not it at all, but consider this. What happens when kids become teenagers? I believe they start realizing that you make mistakes yet they don’t know how to forgive, nor do parents ask for it. Additionally, kids make mistakes and the grace with which they lived under as young children slowly dissipates as they mature.
Couple of my recommendations, (I am not a professional); I think the most important thing in marriage, know when to absolutely Shut Up and walk away, live to fight another day. My wife and I have been arguing (I like to call it “fully involved“) and each of us at one time or another has said something stupid. Now I have a policy when I feel that coming up in myself to just request that we discuss this later, she does this better than I, “David, I can’t talk about it right now”, translation, I am about to verbally kill you if not physically, let me cool off before I opt for both. A time out has been called. Unless she is about to drive over a cliff and you want her to turn right then, consider that most things do not need to be solved right then and there. Also, is whatever you are arguing about worth risking the next 45 years of marital bliss? Get out of the moment, a week from now does decision even matter, a month, a year, a decade? Some do, but most don’t. Finally, exercise the amount of patience and forgiveness that you have with your children, with your wife. Have you ever been fully involved and thought about, what if I was speaking to my adult child, what would I say differently, how would I act?
Try to remember the words of Don Henley;
I've been tryin' to get down; to the heart of the matter; but my will gets weak; and my thoughts seem to scatter; but I think it's about forgiveness; forgiveness; even if, even if you don't love me anymore.
Consider this scenario for example. Last night I was failing in an attempt to give my son a bath. Imagine a movie scene where a guy is climbing a mountainside and hanging only by his hands, the camera then shows a close up of his hands, slowly getting weaker, gravity taking it’s toll, grip slipping away, that was me last night; I was losing it. Thankfully my wife intercepted the pass and excused me from the activity so I could get a chance to regain my strength, I was in ‘time out’, shortly after that I found myself in regret for losing my temper at my son. I then had the need to make things right. Was I right? Yes, he needed to obey, listen, wash up, and get out of the tub, but nonetheless, I was the one feeling regret for my behavior.
Now today I got into an argument with my wife. The topic doesn’t really matter, pick one, sex, money, disciplining the kids, toilet seat up, toilet paper on wrong, didn’t use a coaster, wore my shoes in the house, sex/money again. I am sure one of these struck a nerve with you. Yet even though there might be a very small possibility that I was on the wrong side of the argument I don’t even feel the slightest inclination of guilt for my behavior, nor did anybody intercept the pass, odd isn’t it.
Plain and simple, when it comes to the kids you (I) exercise great amounts of patience and forgiveness, with the wife, not so much. Additionally, when the kids irritate you it is expected, they are kids, they don’t really know any better, but when it is your spouse they are supposed to meet every expectation, every need, and read your mind, they should know better, they are adults. Your expectations are rated differently, not just higher but different. Sure you should have higher standards for an adult but when they are not met be cautions of your reaction, intercept your own pass before you say something stupid, put yourself in time out.
If all of us were completely honest with each other we would all admit that there have been times with our children that we wish that we did not have kids but you will very rarely hear a Father say, “the marriage is awesome, I just wish we didn’t have kids”. Now I consider myself to be a decent dad, and I will admit that I have had to ask myself at times, “why did I have kids”. The single exception is this feeling doesn’t stick, forgiveness is the Teflon of relationships. Now I know what you are thinking, “that’s not it at all, but consider this. What happens when kids become teenagers? I believe they start realizing that you make mistakes yet they don’t know how to forgive, nor do parents ask for it. Additionally, kids make mistakes and the grace with which they lived under as young children slowly dissipates as they mature.
Couple of my recommendations, (I am not a professional); I think the most important thing in marriage, know when to absolutely Shut Up and walk away, live to fight another day. My wife and I have been arguing (I like to call it “fully involved“) and each of us at one time or another has said something stupid. Now I have a policy when I feel that coming up in myself to just request that we discuss this later, she does this better than I, “David, I can’t talk about it right now”, translation, I am about to verbally kill you if not physically, let me cool off before I opt for both. A time out has been called. Unless she is about to drive over a cliff and you want her to turn right then, consider that most things do not need to be solved right then and there. Also, is whatever you are arguing about worth risking the next 45 years of marital bliss? Get out of the moment, a week from now does decision even matter, a month, a year, a decade? Some do, but most don’t. Finally, exercise the amount of patience and forgiveness that you have with your children, with your wife. Have you ever been fully involved and thought about, what if I was speaking to my adult child, what would I say differently, how would I act?
Try to remember the words of Don Henley;
I've been tryin' to get down; to the heart of the matter; but my will gets weak; and my thoughts seem to scatter; but I think it's about forgiveness; forgiveness; even if, even if you don't love me anymore.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
OVERDRAWN
I used to hear my wife say, “it feels like all I do is yell at the kids all day long”, I would then look at her like she was completely crazy because when I came home from work, there was proverbial peace in the middle east, the children were usually well behaved. I naturally assumed that I was just the perfect Father, she allowed herself to be stressed, or I was just the perfect Father, yes, I said it twice, I liked the way it sounded the first time. Anyway, when I would arrive home the kids were happy. It wasn’t until that I stayed home all day for a period of time that I realized that the kids are not always happy all day, they tend to get a little used to you. They get tired of listening to your every command, the excitement wore off a little bit, okay, a great deal.
I didn't realize this until I unfortunately let the cat out of the bag and one night, in a weak moment I told my wife, “it feels like all I do is yell at the kids all day long”, she then looked at me like I was completely sane, “ah ha, now you know what it feels like when you are not the big exciting news returning from being gone all day, they got a little used to you, didn’t they?“ They did indeed.
At this point, I had a couple of problems, my wife was apparently not completely crazy at all, were there other things that I think she is being crazy about and she is actually sane? Are vegetables really good for you, do I need to really wash my hands before eating, should I really put the toilet seat down, oh my gosh, do I need to listen better??? Who knows where this could lead, oh the anarchy this could cause!
More importantly, the second problem, are my feelings correct? Do my children go to bed and think, “geez, all Daddy did was yell at me all day”. What a heart breaker. I would guess that if I feel like all I do is yell; they most likely think all they get is yelling. This has got to change.
That next day I opted for a different approach, what would the Red Fox Father do? No I don’t mean you guys, the Red Fox Followers, I mean the animal, the Red Fox. The Red Fox is constantly teaching his pups how to stalk prey, hunt, and hide from danger. The Red Fox plays games with the pups to give them the skills to survive in a tough world. Throughout this process the Red Fox will celebrate even the most simple things that a young pup accomplishes. So, I realized that when my 4 year old took off his shirt without help I took it for granted, after all I have been doing this a couple times of day for 37 long years. In the past he struggled a little with this. I began celebrating some of the more “ordinary” things that my children accomplished careful not to overdo it. I don’t want my children to think that every little thing they do requires some great feat of praise but I did celebrate when they were able to do something that is usually difficult for a child at their stage of life. Stuff I had previously expected. Now I know what you are thinking, I lowered my standards, not true, I just allowed them a little glory in some of the little things and I didn’t overdo the praise, at times it was just a simple comment, “you did good”.
Simply put, I made deposits in their little emotional bank accounts. Prior to this I was overdrawn.
Surely we all have read the leadership books and how you must make deposits in your employee/spouse emotional bank account in order to make withdrawals but I never applied it to my children, heck, not sure I applied it to my spouse but that is another blog, called the Seahorse Husband (the seahorse male bears the young). I had been bouncing checks all over the house and at the end of the day, I was getting a notice from the Bank of Subconscious, I was Overdrawn. So with no government bailout to be found, I needed to implement change.
When I implemented this new praise deposit procedure I found that the number of reprimanding withdrawals I had to make were fewer. I had reestablished peace in the middle east.
Now I think that the thing to remember here is many small deposits work better than one large one. You can’t make withdrawals all day long and then expect at night to make a huge deposit and not get contacted from the Bank of Subconscious, you are going to get a notice. Don’t lower your standards, just recognize when you see that little extra effort with a little extra deposit, “good job”. Today my son came home from school and took off his shoes and left them in the middle of the floor. A few moments later, without me saying a word, he picked them up and put them where they belong, “nice work son”, deposit.
One more thing to mention, when you only make withdrawals the contrast between withdrawal and nothing is only half that between a deposit and withdrawal. The withdrawals become much more important when compared to a deposit then when compared to nothing. In other words I have found that I have been able to reduce the amount of withdrawals as well as the frequency.
I would like to add more to this topic but I need to wash my hands before dinner, we’re having vegetables. Maybe she's not crazy after all.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
I didn't realize this until I unfortunately let the cat out of the bag and one night, in a weak moment I told my wife, “it feels like all I do is yell at the kids all day long”, she then looked at me like I was completely sane, “ah ha, now you know what it feels like when you are not the big exciting news returning from being gone all day, they got a little used to you, didn’t they?“ They did indeed.
At this point, I had a couple of problems, my wife was apparently not completely crazy at all, were there other things that I think she is being crazy about and she is actually sane? Are vegetables really good for you, do I need to really wash my hands before eating, should I really put the toilet seat down, oh my gosh, do I need to listen better??? Who knows where this could lead, oh the anarchy this could cause!
More importantly, the second problem, are my feelings correct? Do my children go to bed and think, “geez, all Daddy did was yell at me all day”. What a heart breaker. I would guess that if I feel like all I do is yell; they most likely think all they get is yelling. This has got to change.
That next day I opted for a different approach, what would the Red Fox Father do? No I don’t mean you guys, the Red Fox Followers, I mean the animal, the Red Fox. The Red Fox is constantly teaching his pups how to stalk prey, hunt, and hide from danger. The Red Fox plays games with the pups to give them the skills to survive in a tough world. Throughout this process the Red Fox will celebrate even the most simple things that a young pup accomplishes. So, I realized that when my 4 year old took off his shirt without help I took it for granted, after all I have been doing this a couple times of day for 37 long years. In the past he struggled a little with this. I began celebrating some of the more “ordinary” things that my children accomplished careful not to overdo it. I don’t want my children to think that every little thing they do requires some great feat of praise but I did celebrate when they were able to do something that is usually difficult for a child at their stage of life. Stuff I had previously expected. Now I know what you are thinking, I lowered my standards, not true, I just allowed them a little glory in some of the little things and I didn’t overdo the praise, at times it was just a simple comment, “you did good”.
Simply put, I made deposits in their little emotional bank accounts. Prior to this I was overdrawn.
Surely we all have read the leadership books and how you must make deposits in your employee/spouse emotional bank account in order to make withdrawals but I never applied it to my children, heck, not sure I applied it to my spouse but that is another blog, called the Seahorse Husband (the seahorse male bears the young). I had been bouncing checks all over the house and at the end of the day, I was getting a notice from the Bank of Subconscious, I was Overdrawn. So with no government bailout to be found, I needed to implement change.
When I implemented this new praise deposit procedure I found that the number of reprimanding withdrawals I had to make were fewer. I had reestablished peace in the middle east.
Now I think that the thing to remember here is many small deposits work better than one large one. You can’t make withdrawals all day long and then expect at night to make a huge deposit and not get contacted from the Bank of Subconscious, you are going to get a notice. Don’t lower your standards, just recognize when you see that little extra effort with a little extra deposit, “good job”. Today my son came home from school and took off his shoes and left them in the middle of the floor. A few moments later, without me saying a word, he picked them up and put them where they belong, “nice work son”, deposit.
One more thing to mention, when you only make withdrawals the contrast between withdrawal and nothing is only half that between a deposit and withdrawal. The withdrawals become much more important when compared to a deposit then when compared to nothing. In other words I have found that I have been able to reduce the amount of withdrawals as well as the frequency.
I would like to add more to this topic but I need to wash my hands before dinner, we’re having vegetables. Maybe she's not crazy after all.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Mission from GOD
On January 11, 2009 I posted "what is your strategery?", towards the end I said that I am on a mission and me without my mission statement, well Red Fox Followers, here you go.
My mission is to be the type of father that represents the Love of God to my children. To build in them confidence, teach them to respect and act respectable, demonstrate the value of wisdom and help them make wise decisions. To teach them to love others and to not take advantage nor be taken advantage of.
My mission is to be the type of husband I would want my daughter to marry and my son to be. Relay to them the benefits of being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, and to exercise kindness, gentleness, and self control while balancing these qualities with the ability to be tough enough to thrive in a tough world.
My mission is to discipline with love, instruct with patience, and guide with purpose keeping the end in mind; creating a wise, confident, kind adult that is in a growing relationship with their Creator and Saviour.
I will achieve this prayerfully, being intentional about my instruction, engaged in their lives, and interactive in their play.
This is my mission, a Mission from God.
My mission is to be the type of father that represents the Love of God to my children. To build in them confidence, teach them to respect and act respectable, demonstrate the value of wisdom and help them make wise decisions. To teach them to love others and to not take advantage nor be taken advantage of.
My mission is to be the type of husband I would want my daughter to marry and my son to be. Relay to them the benefits of being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, and to exercise kindness, gentleness, and self control while balancing these qualities with the ability to be tough enough to thrive in a tough world.
My mission is to discipline with love, instruct with patience, and guide with purpose keeping the end in mind; creating a wise, confident, kind adult that is in a growing relationship with their Creator and Saviour.
I will achieve this prayerfully, being intentional about my instruction, engaged in their lives, and interactive in their play.
This is my mission, a Mission from God.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!
So, as you know, children are very random, except for one thing, asking why? I never wanted to be the type of parent that wanted to respond with "because I said so", but I have to admit, I am. I have been absolutely abusing this line for the last, well, since my daughter could speak, I would guess 4 years ago.
Tonight my daughter walked into the garage which is about 45 degrees and she left the door open, so, thinking of my current economy (unemployed) I of course asked her to close the door. The obvious question she needed an answer for was "why?". Now whereas I completely understood that I had the best interest of the family, our budget, our comfort, etc, she was at a complete loss for a reason why I would put her through something as difficult as walking up 3 steps and reaching for the door knob to close the door. Ultimately I just want her to understand that I know what is best, I want her to trust me, and I am in control, even though to her, it seems all I am doing is causing a complete inconvenience, distracting her from her goals, taking her off target.
Now, as many of you know I was laid off from what I thought was a career, my wife has been bedridden for going on 3 months now, the medicine is roughly $2,500 per month, my portion, and I found out I have to quit triathlon because I have arthritis in my knee. Obviously I have been asking "why?" to God a great deal. What if his answer is "because I said so", is that good enough for me? Maybe I just need understand, He knows what is best, I can trust Him, and He is in control.
One day my daughter will understand many of the "whys" that are currently in her life, including why she should close the door; she will gain more wisdom as she ages and encounters different things. My hope is one day I understand many of the "whys" in my life but for now, I guess I just need to close the door.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Tonight my daughter walked into the garage which is about 45 degrees and she left the door open, so, thinking of my current economy (unemployed) I of course asked her to close the door. The obvious question she needed an answer for was "why?". Now whereas I completely understood that I had the best interest of the family, our budget, our comfort, etc, she was at a complete loss for a reason why I would put her through something as difficult as walking up 3 steps and reaching for the door knob to close the door. Ultimately I just want her to understand that I know what is best, I want her to trust me, and I am in control, even though to her, it seems all I am doing is causing a complete inconvenience, distracting her from her goals, taking her off target.
Now, as many of you know I was laid off from what I thought was a career, my wife has been bedridden for going on 3 months now, the medicine is roughly $2,500 per month, my portion, and I found out I have to quit triathlon because I have arthritis in my knee. Obviously I have been asking "why?" to God a great deal. What if his answer is "because I said so", is that good enough for me? Maybe I just need understand, He knows what is best, I can trust Him, and He is in control.
One day my daughter will understand many of the "whys" that are currently in her life, including why she should close the door; she will gain more wisdom as she ages and encounters different things. My hope is one day I understand many of the "whys" in my life but for now, I guess I just need to close the door.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Do you have a Strategery?
I have heard Fathers say, "if I can only get my boy to 18 years old alive", or "I just want to get my daughter to 18 without getting pregnant", seems like the standards have been lowered quite a bit. Okay, I must admit, there have been times in my Fatherhood period when I have felt the exact same thing. Thinking that success would be measured by just getting my children to 18 without any major mistakes. However, when I calm down and think more clearly, I realize that most likely within the 5 - 7 years after my children turn 18 they will make two of the most important life decisions they will ever encounter, 1. they will choose who they will spend the rest of thier life with, and 2. they will decide what they are going to do for a living...for the rest of thier lives. And most likely they will make these decisions while not living under my wing. After I consider this, getting my children to 18 with such shallow goals is not in thier, nor my best interest. Many Fathers think, I will provide food, clothing, and education and that is my job. However, the flaw in this you have only 18 years +/- to prepare them for roughly 70 years of living, you need a strategy. When I was working I did not implement any new process without a strategy for success, I never negotiated any deals without first thinking through a strategy, I never counseled an employee on thier performance without a strategy, so, why when it comes to something as important as raising my children do I find myself without a strategy? The most important assignment God has ever given me and I have no plan, no direction, no strategy; and I have lowered my goals to "just keeping them alive". Heck, I don't even go to the grocery store without a strategy but at 5 years old and 4 years old I have already capitulated. Not me my Red Fox followers. This is the week I am developing a strategy. I am going to formulate a plan, what am I creating? I want my son to be more than just alive at 18, and my daughter more than just not pregnant. The first thing to do elevate my goals, write them down, put them on a timetable, implement the strategy, victory will be mine and my children will be ready for the tough "life decisions" they will have to face. I have been on a mission my friends, and me, without even a mission statement. If you don't have a strategy, get one!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
House of Pain
I have learned in my two plus months hiatus from work and staying home taking care of the kids and their Mother (in bed, pregnant with our third) that my home has become a House of Pain. When I was working home was a place I could rest, relax, and recover. As a "Dad Homemaker" I have found that the one time haven of hope has become my work place. The to do list today is the same one I will have tomorrow and the same I had yesterday, there is no satisfaction of project completion with this job. At this new place of work no project is complete, the laundry continues, the dishes ongoing, straightening things up to infinity and beyond. So, where can I go to rest, relax, and recover? When I worked I often wondered why my wife would say at times, "I have got to just get out of here!", now I know, she wants some time away from her work place! Da. Although good at identifying the problem, I have yet to arrive at the solution. I found myself this morning thinking, "I just have to get out of here" so I went to the Mall, let the kids play at the indoor playground, lunch, then went to the library and let them play on the computer. Not sure this is the solution I was looking for but I did get a much needed break from playing trains or baby doll and I think they actually learned something at the library.
If you have a solution your wife does to recover from her work, I would love to hear about it, or if you have any advice, let me know.
Remember, be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
If you have a solution your wife does to recover from her work, I would love to hear about it, or if you have any advice, let me know.
Remember, be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Trip is not a Vacation
One time my wife and I were taking a vacation so I appropriately asked for time off from work. Proudly told my boss, "I am going on vacation". Oddly enough he asked me to confirm the age of my children, "let's see, your daughter is 5, right? and your son, he is 3. He then relayed some great wisdom, "David, you are not going on vacation, you are going on a trip, there is a difference". Now anybody with small children knows what he was talking about, the packing, the loading and unloading of the car, chasing kids in strange places, food, bathroom breaks, the boring drive, etc, you know what I am talking about. That being said...
This week I took my kids to Orlando for a brief trip (vacation), due to health issues, Mom had to stay at home. I learned some travel tips that I would like to pass on to anybody that can use them. Proactive bathroom breaks can make a meal or break a meal. Invariably when I forgot to be proactive with this one of my children would require a bathroom break in the middle of a meal. Being that I have a daughter that is 5 and a son that is 3, when one goes, we all go. Taking a proactive bathroom break eliminates impending crises. Pack snacks - this will eliminate grumpiness when you are at a theme park and the lines for food are long. Packing snacks rolls right into my favorite tip, "Daddy pants", I refer to cargo pants with large pockets on the sides down the leg, "Daddy pants", these pockets are great for snacks, toys, shed clothing, or purchases, additionally in a crowded place I have each child grab a pocket when my hands were full or I was reading a map, I knew exactly where they were and my hands were free. Of course in the car bring drinks, snacks, and plenty of patience. I found myself quoting Mr. Incredible when he was flying the RV, "we get there when we get there". I hope you can use these tips I look forward to any you might have to share.
This week I took my kids to Orlando for a brief trip (vacation), due to health issues, Mom had to stay at home. I learned some travel tips that I would like to pass on to anybody that can use them. Proactive bathroom breaks can make a meal or break a meal. Invariably when I forgot to be proactive with this one of my children would require a bathroom break in the middle of a meal. Being that I have a daughter that is 5 and a son that is 3, when one goes, we all go. Taking a proactive bathroom break eliminates impending crises. Pack snacks - this will eliminate grumpiness when you are at a theme park and the lines for food are long. Packing snacks rolls right into my favorite tip, "Daddy pants", I refer to cargo pants with large pockets on the sides down the leg, "Daddy pants", these pockets are great for snacks, toys, shed clothing, or purchases, additionally in a crowded place I have each child grab a pocket when my hands were full or I was reading a map, I knew exactly where they were and my hands were free. Of course in the car bring drinks, snacks, and plenty of patience. I found myself quoting Mr. Incredible when he was flying the RV, "we get there when we get there". I hope you can use these tips I look forward to any you might have to share.
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