I have heard many a man say, “the kids are great, the marriage, not so much”, “don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, I just wish I never got married”, or the kicker “when the youngest is 18, I am getting a divorce“. These are all sad statements because when you consider that you will only have the kids in the house for roughly 18 years, and your intention when you got married was, “til death do us part”, it seems that the shorter, less important of the two relationships are the ones that are working significantly better. Take this in consideration, I am 40, if I live to be as old as my Grandfather I have 45 more years to live. My daughter is 6, most likely she is out of the house in 12 years. Bottom line 45 more years with the wife, 12 more years with the daughter, yet I am more proactive in the relationship with the daughter. So I have to ask, why the difference? Why are the kids great and not the marriage?
Consider this scenario for example. Last night I was failing in an attempt to give my son a bath. Imagine a movie scene where a guy is climbing a mountainside and hanging only by his hands, the camera then shows a close up of his hands, slowly getting weaker, gravity taking it’s toll, grip slipping away, that was me last night; I was losing it. Thankfully my wife intercepted the pass and excused me from the activity so I could get a chance to regain my strength, I was in ‘time out’, shortly after that I found myself in regret for losing my temper at my son. I then had the need to make things right. Was I right? Yes, he needed to obey, listen, wash up, and get out of the tub, but nonetheless, I was the one feeling regret for my behavior.
Now today I got into an argument with my wife. The topic doesn’t really matter, pick one, sex, money, disciplining the kids, toilet seat up, toilet paper on wrong, didn’t use a coaster, wore my shoes in the house, sex/money again. I am sure one of these struck a nerve with you. Yet even though there might be a very small possibility that I was on the wrong side of the argument I don’t even feel the slightest inclination of guilt for my behavior, nor did anybody intercept the pass, odd isn’t it.
Plain and simple, when it comes to the kids you (I) exercise great amounts of patience and forgiveness, with the wife, not so much. Additionally, when the kids irritate you it is expected, they are kids, they don’t really know any better, but when it is your spouse they are supposed to meet every expectation, every need, and read your mind, they should know better, they are adults. Your expectations are rated differently, not just higher but different. Sure you should have higher standards for an adult but when they are not met be cautions of your reaction, intercept your own pass before you say something stupid, put yourself in time out.
If all of us were completely honest with each other we would all admit that there have been times with our children that we wish that we did not have kids but you will very rarely hear a Father say, “the marriage is awesome, I just wish we didn’t have kids”. Now I consider myself to be a decent dad, and I will admit that I have had to ask myself at times, “why did I have kids”. The single exception is this feeling doesn’t stick, forgiveness is the Teflon of relationships. Now I know what you are thinking, “that’s not it at all, but consider this. What happens when kids become teenagers? I believe they start realizing that you make mistakes yet they don’t know how to forgive, nor do parents ask for it. Additionally, kids make mistakes and the grace with which they lived under as young children slowly dissipates as they mature.
Couple of my recommendations, (I am not a professional); I think the most important thing in marriage, know when to absolutely Shut Up and walk away, live to fight another day. My wife and I have been arguing (I like to call it “fully involved“) and each of us at one time or another has said something stupid. Now I have a policy when I feel that coming up in myself to just request that we discuss this later, she does this better than I, “David, I can’t talk about it right now”, translation, I am about to verbally kill you if not physically, let me cool off before I opt for both. A time out has been called. Unless she is about to drive over a cliff and you want her to turn right then, consider that most things do not need to be solved right then and there. Also, is whatever you are arguing about worth risking the next 45 years of marital bliss? Get out of the moment, a week from now does decision even matter, a month, a year, a decade? Some do, but most don’t. Finally, exercise the amount of patience and forgiveness that you have with your children, with your wife. Have you ever been fully involved and thought about, what if I was speaking to my adult child, what would I say differently, how would I act?
Try to remember the words of Don Henley;
I've been tryin' to get down; to the heart of the matter; but my will gets weak; and my thoughts seem to scatter; but I think it's about forgiveness; forgiveness; even if, even if you don't love me anymore.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
OVERDRAWN
I used to hear my wife say, “it feels like all I do is yell at the kids all day long”, I would then look at her like she was completely crazy because when I came home from work, there was proverbial peace in the middle east, the children were usually well behaved. I naturally assumed that I was just the perfect Father, she allowed herself to be stressed, or I was just the perfect Father, yes, I said it twice, I liked the way it sounded the first time. Anyway, when I would arrive home the kids were happy. It wasn’t until that I stayed home all day for a period of time that I realized that the kids are not always happy all day, they tend to get a little used to you. They get tired of listening to your every command, the excitement wore off a little bit, okay, a great deal.
I didn't realize this until I unfortunately let the cat out of the bag and one night, in a weak moment I told my wife, “it feels like all I do is yell at the kids all day long”, she then looked at me like I was completely sane, “ah ha, now you know what it feels like when you are not the big exciting news returning from being gone all day, they got a little used to you, didn’t they?“ They did indeed.
At this point, I had a couple of problems, my wife was apparently not completely crazy at all, were there other things that I think she is being crazy about and she is actually sane? Are vegetables really good for you, do I need to really wash my hands before eating, should I really put the toilet seat down, oh my gosh, do I need to listen better??? Who knows where this could lead, oh the anarchy this could cause!
More importantly, the second problem, are my feelings correct? Do my children go to bed and think, “geez, all Daddy did was yell at me all day”. What a heart breaker. I would guess that if I feel like all I do is yell; they most likely think all they get is yelling. This has got to change.
That next day I opted for a different approach, what would the Red Fox Father do? No I don’t mean you guys, the Red Fox Followers, I mean the animal, the Red Fox. The Red Fox is constantly teaching his pups how to stalk prey, hunt, and hide from danger. The Red Fox plays games with the pups to give them the skills to survive in a tough world. Throughout this process the Red Fox will celebrate even the most simple things that a young pup accomplishes. So, I realized that when my 4 year old took off his shirt without help I took it for granted, after all I have been doing this a couple times of day for 37 long years. In the past he struggled a little with this. I began celebrating some of the more “ordinary” things that my children accomplished careful not to overdo it. I don’t want my children to think that every little thing they do requires some great feat of praise but I did celebrate when they were able to do something that is usually difficult for a child at their stage of life. Stuff I had previously expected. Now I know what you are thinking, I lowered my standards, not true, I just allowed them a little glory in some of the little things and I didn’t overdo the praise, at times it was just a simple comment, “you did good”.
Simply put, I made deposits in their little emotional bank accounts. Prior to this I was overdrawn.
Surely we all have read the leadership books and how you must make deposits in your employee/spouse emotional bank account in order to make withdrawals but I never applied it to my children, heck, not sure I applied it to my spouse but that is another blog, called the Seahorse Husband (the seahorse male bears the young). I had been bouncing checks all over the house and at the end of the day, I was getting a notice from the Bank of Subconscious, I was Overdrawn. So with no government bailout to be found, I needed to implement change.
When I implemented this new praise deposit procedure I found that the number of reprimanding withdrawals I had to make were fewer. I had reestablished peace in the middle east.
Now I think that the thing to remember here is many small deposits work better than one large one. You can’t make withdrawals all day long and then expect at night to make a huge deposit and not get contacted from the Bank of Subconscious, you are going to get a notice. Don’t lower your standards, just recognize when you see that little extra effort with a little extra deposit, “good job”. Today my son came home from school and took off his shoes and left them in the middle of the floor. A few moments later, without me saying a word, he picked them up and put them where they belong, “nice work son”, deposit.
One more thing to mention, when you only make withdrawals the contrast between withdrawal and nothing is only half that between a deposit and withdrawal. The withdrawals become much more important when compared to a deposit then when compared to nothing. In other words I have found that I have been able to reduce the amount of withdrawals as well as the frequency.
I would like to add more to this topic but I need to wash my hands before dinner, we’re having vegetables. Maybe she's not crazy after all.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
I didn't realize this until I unfortunately let the cat out of the bag and one night, in a weak moment I told my wife, “it feels like all I do is yell at the kids all day long”, she then looked at me like I was completely sane, “ah ha, now you know what it feels like when you are not the big exciting news returning from being gone all day, they got a little used to you, didn’t they?“ They did indeed.
At this point, I had a couple of problems, my wife was apparently not completely crazy at all, were there other things that I think she is being crazy about and she is actually sane? Are vegetables really good for you, do I need to really wash my hands before eating, should I really put the toilet seat down, oh my gosh, do I need to listen better??? Who knows where this could lead, oh the anarchy this could cause!
More importantly, the second problem, are my feelings correct? Do my children go to bed and think, “geez, all Daddy did was yell at me all day”. What a heart breaker. I would guess that if I feel like all I do is yell; they most likely think all they get is yelling. This has got to change.
That next day I opted for a different approach, what would the Red Fox Father do? No I don’t mean you guys, the Red Fox Followers, I mean the animal, the Red Fox. The Red Fox is constantly teaching his pups how to stalk prey, hunt, and hide from danger. The Red Fox plays games with the pups to give them the skills to survive in a tough world. Throughout this process the Red Fox will celebrate even the most simple things that a young pup accomplishes. So, I realized that when my 4 year old took off his shirt without help I took it for granted, after all I have been doing this a couple times of day for 37 long years. In the past he struggled a little with this. I began celebrating some of the more “ordinary” things that my children accomplished careful not to overdo it. I don’t want my children to think that every little thing they do requires some great feat of praise but I did celebrate when they were able to do something that is usually difficult for a child at their stage of life. Stuff I had previously expected. Now I know what you are thinking, I lowered my standards, not true, I just allowed them a little glory in some of the little things and I didn’t overdo the praise, at times it was just a simple comment, “you did good”.
Simply put, I made deposits in their little emotional bank accounts. Prior to this I was overdrawn.
Surely we all have read the leadership books and how you must make deposits in your employee/spouse emotional bank account in order to make withdrawals but I never applied it to my children, heck, not sure I applied it to my spouse but that is another blog, called the Seahorse Husband (the seahorse male bears the young). I had been bouncing checks all over the house and at the end of the day, I was getting a notice from the Bank of Subconscious, I was Overdrawn. So with no government bailout to be found, I needed to implement change.
When I implemented this new praise deposit procedure I found that the number of reprimanding withdrawals I had to make were fewer. I had reestablished peace in the middle east.
Now I think that the thing to remember here is many small deposits work better than one large one. You can’t make withdrawals all day long and then expect at night to make a huge deposit and not get contacted from the Bank of Subconscious, you are going to get a notice. Don’t lower your standards, just recognize when you see that little extra effort with a little extra deposit, “good job”. Today my son came home from school and took off his shoes and left them in the middle of the floor. A few moments later, without me saying a word, he picked them up and put them where they belong, “nice work son”, deposit.
One more thing to mention, when you only make withdrawals the contrast between withdrawal and nothing is only half that between a deposit and withdrawal. The withdrawals become much more important when compared to a deposit then when compared to nothing. In other words I have found that I have been able to reduce the amount of withdrawals as well as the frequency.
I would like to add more to this topic but I need to wash my hands before dinner, we’re having vegetables. Maybe she's not crazy after all.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Mission from GOD
On January 11, 2009 I posted "what is your strategery?", towards the end I said that I am on a mission and me without my mission statement, well Red Fox Followers, here you go.
My mission is to be the type of father that represents the Love of God to my children. To build in them confidence, teach them to respect and act respectable, demonstrate the value of wisdom and help them make wise decisions. To teach them to love others and to not take advantage nor be taken advantage of.
My mission is to be the type of husband I would want my daughter to marry and my son to be. Relay to them the benefits of being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, and to exercise kindness, gentleness, and self control while balancing these qualities with the ability to be tough enough to thrive in a tough world.
My mission is to discipline with love, instruct with patience, and guide with purpose keeping the end in mind; creating a wise, confident, kind adult that is in a growing relationship with their Creator and Saviour.
I will achieve this prayerfully, being intentional about my instruction, engaged in their lives, and interactive in their play.
This is my mission, a Mission from God.
My mission is to be the type of father that represents the Love of God to my children. To build in them confidence, teach them to respect and act respectable, demonstrate the value of wisdom and help them make wise decisions. To teach them to love others and to not take advantage nor be taken advantage of.
My mission is to be the type of husband I would want my daughter to marry and my son to be. Relay to them the benefits of being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, and to exercise kindness, gentleness, and self control while balancing these qualities with the ability to be tough enough to thrive in a tough world.
My mission is to discipline with love, instruct with patience, and guide with purpose keeping the end in mind; creating a wise, confident, kind adult that is in a growing relationship with their Creator and Saviour.
I will achieve this prayerfully, being intentional about my instruction, engaged in their lives, and interactive in their play.
This is my mission, a Mission from God.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!
So, as you know, children are very random, except for one thing, asking why? I never wanted to be the type of parent that wanted to respond with "because I said so", but I have to admit, I am. I have been absolutely abusing this line for the last, well, since my daughter could speak, I would guess 4 years ago.
Tonight my daughter walked into the garage which is about 45 degrees and she left the door open, so, thinking of my current economy (unemployed) I of course asked her to close the door. The obvious question she needed an answer for was "why?". Now whereas I completely understood that I had the best interest of the family, our budget, our comfort, etc, she was at a complete loss for a reason why I would put her through something as difficult as walking up 3 steps and reaching for the door knob to close the door. Ultimately I just want her to understand that I know what is best, I want her to trust me, and I am in control, even though to her, it seems all I am doing is causing a complete inconvenience, distracting her from her goals, taking her off target.
Now, as many of you know I was laid off from what I thought was a career, my wife has been bedridden for going on 3 months now, the medicine is roughly $2,500 per month, my portion, and I found out I have to quit triathlon because I have arthritis in my knee. Obviously I have been asking "why?" to God a great deal. What if his answer is "because I said so", is that good enough for me? Maybe I just need understand, He knows what is best, I can trust Him, and He is in control.
One day my daughter will understand many of the "whys" that are currently in her life, including why she should close the door; she will gain more wisdom as she ages and encounters different things. My hope is one day I understand many of the "whys" in my life but for now, I guess I just need to close the door.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Tonight my daughter walked into the garage which is about 45 degrees and she left the door open, so, thinking of my current economy (unemployed) I of course asked her to close the door. The obvious question she needed an answer for was "why?". Now whereas I completely understood that I had the best interest of the family, our budget, our comfort, etc, she was at a complete loss for a reason why I would put her through something as difficult as walking up 3 steps and reaching for the door knob to close the door. Ultimately I just want her to understand that I know what is best, I want her to trust me, and I am in control, even though to her, it seems all I am doing is causing a complete inconvenience, distracting her from her goals, taking her off target.
Now, as many of you know I was laid off from what I thought was a career, my wife has been bedridden for going on 3 months now, the medicine is roughly $2,500 per month, my portion, and I found out I have to quit triathlon because I have arthritis in my knee. Obviously I have been asking "why?" to God a great deal. What if his answer is "because I said so", is that good enough for me? Maybe I just need understand, He knows what is best, I can trust Him, and He is in control.
One day my daughter will understand many of the "whys" that are currently in her life, including why she should close the door; she will gain more wisdom as she ages and encounters different things. My hope is one day I understand many of the "whys" in my life but for now, I guess I just need to close the door.
Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Father.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Do you have a Strategery?
I have heard Fathers say, "if I can only get my boy to 18 years old alive", or "I just want to get my daughter to 18 without getting pregnant", seems like the standards have been lowered quite a bit. Okay, I must admit, there have been times in my Fatherhood period when I have felt the exact same thing. Thinking that success would be measured by just getting my children to 18 without any major mistakes. However, when I calm down and think more clearly, I realize that most likely within the 5 - 7 years after my children turn 18 they will make two of the most important life decisions they will ever encounter, 1. they will choose who they will spend the rest of thier life with, and 2. they will decide what they are going to do for a living...for the rest of thier lives. And most likely they will make these decisions while not living under my wing. After I consider this, getting my children to 18 with such shallow goals is not in thier, nor my best interest. Many Fathers think, I will provide food, clothing, and education and that is my job. However, the flaw in this you have only 18 years +/- to prepare them for roughly 70 years of living, you need a strategy. When I was working I did not implement any new process without a strategy for success, I never negotiated any deals without first thinking through a strategy, I never counseled an employee on thier performance without a strategy, so, why when it comes to something as important as raising my children do I find myself without a strategy? The most important assignment God has ever given me and I have no plan, no direction, no strategy; and I have lowered my goals to "just keeping them alive". Heck, I don't even go to the grocery store without a strategy but at 5 years old and 4 years old I have already capitulated. Not me my Red Fox followers. This is the week I am developing a strategy. I am going to formulate a plan, what am I creating? I want my son to be more than just alive at 18, and my daughter more than just not pregnant. The first thing to do elevate my goals, write them down, put them on a timetable, implement the strategy, victory will be mine and my children will be ready for the tough "life decisions" they will have to face. I have been on a mission my friends, and me, without even a mission statement. If you don't have a strategy, get one!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
House of Pain
I have learned in my two plus months hiatus from work and staying home taking care of the kids and their Mother (in bed, pregnant with our third) that my home has become a House of Pain. When I was working home was a place I could rest, relax, and recover. As a "Dad Homemaker" I have found that the one time haven of hope has become my work place. The to do list today is the same one I will have tomorrow and the same I had yesterday, there is no satisfaction of project completion with this job. At this new place of work no project is complete, the laundry continues, the dishes ongoing, straightening things up to infinity and beyond. So, where can I go to rest, relax, and recover? When I worked I often wondered why my wife would say at times, "I have got to just get out of here!", now I know, she wants some time away from her work place! Da. Although good at identifying the problem, I have yet to arrive at the solution. I found myself this morning thinking, "I just have to get out of here" so I went to the Mall, let the kids play at the indoor playground, lunch, then went to the library and let them play on the computer. Not sure this is the solution I was looking for but I did get a much needed break from playing trains or baby doll and I think they actually learned something at the library.
If you have a solution your wife does to recover from her work, I would love to hear about it, or if you have any advice, let me know.
Remember, be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
If you have a solution your wife does to recover from her work, I would love to hear about it, or if you have any advice, let me know.
Remember, be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, Be a RED FOX FATHER.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Trip is not a Vacation
One time my wife and I were taking a vacation so I appropriately asked for time off from work. Proudly told my boss, "I am going on vacation". Oddly enough he asked me to confirm the age of my children, "let's see, your daughter is 5, right? and your son, he is 3. He then relayed some great wisdom, "David, you are not going on vacation, you are going on a trip, there is a difference". Now anybody with small children knows what he was talking about, the packing, the loading and unloading of the car, chasing kids in strange places, food, bathroom breaks, the boring drive, etc, you know what I am talking about. That being said...
This week I took my kids to Orlando for a brief trip (vacation), due to health issues, Mom had to stay at home. I learned some travel tips that I would like to pass on to anybody that can use them. Proactive bathroom breaks can make a meal or break a meal. Invariably when I forgot to be proactive with this one of my children would require a bathroom break in the middle of a meal. Being that I have a daughter that is 5 and a son that is 3, when one goes, we all go. Taking a proactive bathroom break eliminates impending crises. Pack snacks - this will eliminate grumpiness when you are at a theme park and the lines for food are long. Packing snacks rolls right into my favorite tip, "Daddy pants", I refer to cargo pants with large pockets on the sides down the leg, "Daddy pants", these pockets are great for snacks, toys, shed clothing, or purchases, additionally in a crowded place I have each child grab a pocket when my hands were full or I was reading a map, I knew exactly where they were and my hands were free. Of course in the car bring drinks, snacks, and plenty of patience. I found myself quoting Mr. Incredible when he was flying the RV, "we get there when we get there". I hope you can use these tips I look forward to any you might have to share.
This week I took my kids to Orlando for a brief trip (vacation), due to health issues, Mom had to stay at home. I learned some travel tips that I would like to pass on to anybody that can use them. Proactive bathroom breaks can make a meal or break a meal. Invariably when I forgot to be proactive with this one of my children would require a bathroom break in the middle of a meal. Being that I have a daughter that is 5 and a son that is 3, when one goes, we all go. Taking a proactive bathroom break eliminates impending crises. Pack snacks - this will eliminate grumpiness when you are at a theme park and the lines for food are long. Packing snacks rolls right into my favorite tip, "Daddy pants", I refer to cargo pants with large pockets on the sides down the leg, "Daddy pants", these pockets are great for snacks, toys, shed clothing, or purchases, additionally in a crowded place I have each child grab a pocket when my hands were full or I was reading a map, I knew exactly where they were and my hands were free. Of course in the car bring drinks, snacks, and plenty of patience. I found myself quoting Mr. Incredible when he was flying the RV, "we get there when we get there". I hope you can use these tips I look forward to any you might have to share.
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