All in All It's Just Another Brick in the Wall

August 13, 1961 marked the beginning of the Berlin Wall. This wall was erected to separate the communist government of East German from the democracy that was being created by the West Germans. The Berlin Wall was 87 miles long and in 1962 the East Germans moved 110 yards East of the Wall and built a parallel fence establishing a "no man's land" in between the two. West Germans that worked in East Germany had to find new jobs in West Germany and families found themselves totally split and visitation in the 60's was not allowed. The Wall separated everything and diplomacy was futile.

Sometimes, in my weird mind I think of a husband and a wife as two neighboring countries, bear with me here. I often think that I am building a wall in between my wife and I. Every time I hurt her, fail her expectations, disappoint her, or generally piss her off, she places a brick in the wall with a reasonable amount of concrete to ensure it's security and tenure. Not only do I not object to the newly placed brick, I engage in a fair amount of my own masonry, brick by brick the Marital Wall slowly gets built, both sides contributing.

I think the process goes a little something like this. When a couple meet they find they have a lot in common, and they are living in Camelot; sharing, caring, and eventually, marrying. Then, because neither is perfect and the expectations are overrated, and not clearly stated; each time one hurts the other or something goes not according to the plan, a brick is laid along the border. The Wall begins. For each hurt or disappointment another brick goes on the Wall. A couple of years a couple more bricks and neither party in interested in knocking their brick down (see The Heart of the Matter). The bottom bricks have now set in, concrete dry and the two parties that started our loving each other don't even notice the waist high wall that they are creating. A couple more years go by of not living an intentional marriage and the once euphoric couple are now having to raise their chins just to see each other over The Wall. Soon they are yelling across the wall on even the most tiny of things, and before you know it we have established a "no man's land", a communication barrier exists, neither party willing to make concessions or remove their brick, diplomacy is futile. The caring and sharing, gone, it is too difficult, too many bricks. Some couples are lucky enough to find a third country to assist in the diplomatic process, some turn to all out war and call up an army of lawyers to demonstrate shock and awe to the neighboring country, and the smart bombs are launched. The children leave the house and the marriage is over.

Does anybody else find it funny how we can treat a stranger with more kindness than our spouse? Not funny at all, but consider, no bricks, no walls...yet. The biggest problem is when something relatively tiny happens involving your neighboring country and all you see is the other bricks (past hurts and disappointments) and now you are angry, bitter even. It wasn't the little thing at all, it was the little thing compounded by having to communicate it over the Marital Wall. After children enter the picture the bricks get bigger because the decisions become more important, now instead of where are we going to eat we have to decide how are we going to discipline and raise our children. Money matters and in laws are also large bricks, the Wall construction gains momentum.

Before you go trying to knock down the existing bricks, just stop bricklaying. Lay off the workers, you know who/what they are. Don't feel like you have to make a huge announcement at a press conference either, just simply stop laying bricks. If you make an announcement you have just set yet another expectation in the other countries eyes that you will surely not be able to meet, just stop laying bricks, quietly. What is so important that you have to lay a brick anyway? Make some concessions, if the West Germans want you to lower the toilet seat, stop fighting, lower the toilet seat, it is one less brick in the wall. The wall takes a lot longer to build if only one country is contributing the bricks and since you can't control the other sides brick production the best thing is not respond to their bricks with bricks of your own, be bigger than the problem. Some of the best advice that I think that I have ever given was at my brother's wedding and I was the best man. I don't recall everything that I said, I am sure it was wonderful, however, I do remember saying something like "the key to a good marriage is not just knowing all the right things to say, but, more importantly, knowing when to say nothing at all". No comment, no brick, save it for more important negotiations. Also don't feel like you need to comment on every stupid thing your spouse does, chances are they already know that it was stupid and the chances are even higher you do your share of stupid things too. If you do find yourself with a chin high brick wall try treating your neighboring country a little more like a stranger for a while until the brick factory slows down a bit, we are generally nice to strangers, it might even loosen the mortar a bit.

Brick busting is very difficult but remember the Berlin Wall was knocked down in November of 1989, almost 30 years later. It wasn't east to get there and it didn't happen overnight. Don't try to knock down the entire wall with a dozen roses or a couple nights in Vegas, that stuff only works on TV, give it some time. To begin the process try apologizing. Although she laid some of the bricks you have the responsibility for creating them, heck you might have even mixed the mortar. Come on, be honest, you know what you have done and although the generic, "I am a man and I am sorry" seems to bust a couple of bricks try pointing at some specific bricks and knocking them out. Even if you are right at times it is just the way to tried to convey your point that made a brick. You know what you have done, and yes, you are guilty too, and you know when you were guilty, I know this because women have a unique ability of telling us when we screw up. Again, be bigger than the problem, you are the man.

I also think that it is important to not feel like I need to convince my spouse that my points or argument is right or what I am saying accurate all the time. I need to allow her to be able to disagree, eventually the truth or correct direction reveals itself with enough time.

Just consider that God did not put your wife in your life so you can fix her, HE put her in your life so HE can fix you.

Remember, don't sweat the small stuff because all in all, it's just another brick in the wall.

Be intentional, be engaged, be interactive, be a Red Fox Husband.